Whatever: He is called... THE STIG

Aproveitando o post anterior, decidi criar um em homenagem ao Stig. Stig é o piloto do programa Top Gear, responsável por realizar as tomadas de tempo em um ranking realizado pelo programa, além de sempre participar quando seja necessário o u

so de suas habilidades ao volante. O programa mantém sua identidade secreta, e se aproveita disso para criar situações cômicas, aumentando o mistério sobre sua origem e mesmo se é ou não um humano.

Navegando no Facebook, encontrei uma comunidade voltada ao Stig; o apresentador do programa, Jeremy Clarkson sempre apresenta The Stig com alguma frase de efeito. Nesta comunidade eu encontrei uma compilação com diversas frases utilizadas por ele, as quais transcrevo abaixo.

Some say:

He once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and long before anyone else he realised that Jade Goody was a racist, pig-faced, waste of blood and organs.
He communicates only to a car's on board computer through binary code, and that he once killed a man who was towing a caravan, using only a steering wheel.
He sucks moisture out of ducks and he models his crash helmet on Britney Spears' head.
He appears on high-value stamps in Sweden, he's illegal in 17 U.S. states, and that his voice can only be heard by cats.
That his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground.
That he has no understanding of clouds, and that his earwax tastes like Turkish Delight.
He was born in space, he's scared of bells, and confused by stairs.
His skin has the texture of a dolphin's, and that wherever you are in the world if you tune your radio to 88.4 you can actually hear his thoughts.
His fingernails have 330 bhp and that he was raised by wolves
He once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the cash for honours scandal.
He drinks a lot of petrol.
He never blinks.
He roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves.
He sleeps upside down like a bat.
His sweat can be used to clean precious metals.
He does not see like humans do, instead he sees numbers in green scrolling down. (A reference to The Matrix)
He could annihilate the Daleks, Dr Who and the Cyberman, if he could be bothered.
He lives in a tree.
He likes DragonBoarder.
He appears on high-value stamps in Sweden.
His favourite philosopher is Immanuel Kant.
His earwax tastes like Turkish Delight.
He naturally faces magnetic north.
His heart ticks like a watch.
All his legs are hydraulic.
His brain is a Satellite navigation system.
He can "accumbularate".
He appears on Japanese banknotes.
There's an airport in Russia named after him.
He is wanted by the CIA.
His breath smells of magnesium.
He can catch fish with his tongue.
His tears are adhesive.
If set alight, he'd burn for a thousand days.
After eating printing ink, he obtains the ability to fly.
He is terrified of ducks.
His voice can only be heard by cats.
He has two sets of knees.
He can swim seven lengths underwater.
He has webbed buttocks.
He can melt concrete on contact.
He is more machine than man. (A reference to Darth Vader)
His heart is in upside down.
His teeth glow in the dark.
His favourite food is raw meat.
He has no age.
He urinates 98 RON petrol. (On The Top Gear Website Profiles)
He can smell corners. (On The Top Gear Website Profiles)
He likes his eggs sunny side up. (Top Gear Website Profiles)
He blinks this way. (Clarkson closing his thumb and forefinger on both held-up hands - a reference to Men in Black)
He has acid for blood. (A reference to the Alien).
Jimmy Carter wants him dead.
He has a bionic arm.
He has a tattoo of Buzz Aldrin on his thigh.
He is stumped by clouds.
He has no fear.
His ears aren't exactly where you would expect them to be.
He once, "preposterously", had an affair with John Prescott. (Referring to Prescott's recent admission that he had had an affair with one of his secretaries)
He has a digital face.
If he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar. (A reference to the UK version of The Apprentice, featuring the aforementioned head honcho of Amstrad in the Donald Trump role)
He has named every single blade of grass surrounding the Top Gear test track.
His genitals are on upside down.
If he could be bothered, he could crack the Da Vinci code in 43 seconds.
(During Clarkson's 'The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly') If he left Britain, his ears would explode. However, they're wrong - because he's here.
His ears have a paisley lining.
He is banned from the Chelsea Flower Show.
The outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring.
If given an important job to do, he'll skive off and play croquet. (Reference to John Prescott May 2006)
He invented Branston Pickle.
If you insult his mother, he will head butt you in the chest. (A reference to Zinedine Zidane being sent off in the finals of the 2006 FIFA World Cup
On really warm days, he sheds his skin like a snake.
For some reason, he's allergic to the Dutch.
His tongue can strip the paint off a Porsche in 30 seconds.
His first name really is "The".
If he went on Celebrity Love Island, they'd all be pregnant, including the cameramen.
He once threw a microwave oven at a tramp.
He was in no way involved with the cash for honours scandal, (followed by) All we know is, he's called LORD Stig!
He was a CIA experiment gone wrong (on 'big' stig)
He eats a lot of cheese (on 'big' stig)
His chest tastes like piccalily
He was thrown out of the Brit Awards for goosing Russel Brand
He sucks moisture from ducks
His helmet was modelled on Britney Spears' head (Reference to Britney Spears shaving her head)
He isn't machine washable.
All his potted plants are called Steve.
His scrotum has its own small gravity field… and that because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name. All we know is… he’s called Cuddles.
He’s banned from the town of Chichester… and that in a recent late-night deal, he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh.
He gets terrible eczema on his helmet… and that if he'd been the video ref in the world cup rugby final he would have seen that… of course it was a try you blind Australian halfwit.
He's seen the Lion King one thousand, seven hundred and eighty times… and that his second best friend is a Cape Buffalo. All we know is… he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's African cousin!
To unlock him you have to run your finger down his face… and that if he was getting divorced from Paul McCarthy, he would keep his stupid, whining mouth shut. All we know is… he’s called The Stig.
He thought Star Wars was a documentary… and that he recently pulled out of I'm A Celebrity because he is frightened of trees... and Australia... and Koo Stark... and Ant... and Dec.
He knows two facts about ducks and both of them are wrong… and that 61 years ago, he accidentally introduced Her Majesty the Queen to a Greek racialist. All we know is… I'm going to the Tower to have my head cut off… er…
When he slows down, brake lights come on in his buttocks… and that if he’d been the Manager of the England Football squad, he wouldn’t have been a feckless, ginger, gum-chewing buffoon who ruined it for all of us.
He once lost a canoe on a beach in the north east… and that he once did some time in a prison in Canterbury because his teddy is called the baby Jesus.
As we speak, he is actually relaxing in the resort’s pool, and that he is… actually, yes he is.